Part of my problem

The title, part of my problem, is funny. I have many problems, most I know about am are trying to fix.

I'm not pregnant. Thats my problem. AHH!! Instead of focusing on what I have in life, I am looking ahead, still. Do I not realize what being pregnant means? 9 more months of discomfort and pain to go into labor and have that happen all over again. For a few months of not sleeping, pain in nursing, oh and nursing! Not being able to wear whatever I want becuase it has to be easily acsesible to feed the baby. Yes, I would have a baby in the process, but that right there, a third baby?!? Am I nuts? Why yes I am, because I want this baby.

I always said I wouldn't let having a family consume my energy. I wouldn't let that take over my only thoughts. I want to be content with what I have. But I'm seriously struggling right now. I have taken so many tests, thinking, maybe it was just too early. After awhile, negative tests where on you. I am done. I am committed to being done. I will not buy, or take any more tests. Randy isn't ready yet, so why am I pushing this?

God has a plan for my family. The two children I have need my attention. I need to focus my energy on potty training my daughter. I had yet another reminder today of my daughter not being potty trained and the two other little girls at church (same age) are. eyeye. I need to focus on how Elliot is changing daily and if I dont stop and look, he may do something new and I wont see it. I need to shut the computer more than its open and just keep my house clean, keep the laundry caught up and the kitchen cleaned. And most importantly, I need to be the wife to Randy he deserves. I was a wife before I was a mother and I need to get back to that. He is the most wonderful man. I love him more than he knows. I am proud of him for all he does in a day (without ever complaining too)

Actually, most importantly, I need to get my heart right with the Lord. I've been so far, but pretending to be so close. I am only fooling myself at this point. I need to realize why I am on this earth and start living that way. God so desperately wants me back to His side and I keep pushing it off like its not important. God wants to bless us, but if don't allow Him to work in our lives, then He won't. I need to start clinging to the promises of His word. Pastor Doug asked us in sunday school a verse or passage that you have claimed lately. I was so embarressed because I didn't have one lately. I used to, but I couldn't even recall them. I need it. I am like a baby who needs fed every 2 hours, I need fed by the word of God.

I guess that is my problem, not part, but the whole problem. Once that part of my life is line with God, I really believe whole-heartidly that the rest will fall into place. I need to not rush things, they happen fast enough. And besides, I want twins next, and I am pretty sure I would go crazy with twins right now. Elliot better get a little bigger before that happens.

Maybe now I can get to sleep. I have alot on my mind. Thanks for reading.