Did you ever have something that happened, that a week or more (or a month) after it all happened you wondered what exactly happened? That was my month of January!
Right around Elliots birthday I was feeling 'off' and like I could be pregnant. I knew it was a possibility but I doubted it was actually true. Monday, January 16, we were out and about shopping and I told Randy I needed to buy a pregnancy test. He agreed (based on my mood and how irrational I was) and so we bought a test.
Tuesday morning, January 17th, I woke early and took the test, and to my shock, I was pregnant. I really didn't want to believe it. We weren't trying to have a baby right now, didn't really want to add to our family just yet. We were ok with another baby, just not this year. The emotions were strong for a few days letting the shock sink in. I had to deal with the guilt of not wanting a baby, THIS baby, and get over it and get excited for the new addition.
A week later, January 24, the nightmare began. I started spotting, which within an hour turned into pretty heavy bleeding. I was having a miscarriage. I had a miscarriage once before so I knew what I was dealing with.
So now, I am dealing with the guilt that I never really wanted this baby to begin with, and then this awful thing happened. I know it was out of my control if we miscarried or not, but getting to that point is hard.
Within a week of it all happening I had a baby shower I was invited to. Last place I wanted to be is at a baby shower watching a mom to be open cute little gifts for a sweet little bundle of joy coming soon to her life. But I went. I refuse to be the women that you can't talk to about pregnancies and babies too just because I had a miscarriage. It wasn't this other moms fault, so why should I not celebrate her joy?
Not many people knew about the pregnancy, which is good and bad. Its good that not many people are asking me how I'm doing all the time. Its bad because I get the comments on when I'm going to have another baby and it just breaks my heart all over again.
Through it all, I can say though, God is good. I don't know the reasoning why it happened, and I may never know for a long time, but I do know God is good. I will someday meet my little one in heaven and I look forward to that meeting! All I can think of, the one we lost 4 years ago was wanting a sibling and God gave him one.