A birthday day

Sophia was invited to her first birthday party today... so much fun. I am so proud of her. At home, it seems we are always fighting to get her to share and I'm so worried about her with other kids and sharing. Today she did great! She shared and was super nice and when the birthday girl was opening her presents, she did great at letting her (and not trying to help!) Praise the Lord!

I also think we are going to do her first birthday party this year! Randy hasn't wanted to, but she is going to be 3 and has taken major milestones this year... potty trained, ears pierced, and so on. I think she is ready! I wanted to share a few pictures too....

The birthday girl and her three friends at her party:


Watching so patiently as the birthday girl opened her presents:



Sophia asked, oh Mommy, can I have that barbie? Oh but she did so great not crying when Rachel said they were hers!

Sophia and the birthday girl, Rachel.

Then the last picture is the whole group. Rachel and her three friends and her sister Jenna. What a fun time!

A sinking ship

You ever hear a song and you just can't listen to it enough, just want to keep listening to it and then you find yourself humming it throughout the day, or catch your two year old singing it while playing? I'm there!

1,000 Generations has this song, Fail us Not. There is nothing above you, there is nothing beyond you, there is nothing you can't do.... is just a few lines from the song.

Lately, I've been struggling, more like a sinking ship. I feel like my life has become a wheel and I do the same thing day in and day out.... mix that in with very little sleep due to non sleeping children and it quickly becomes a problem.

A week ago Monday my pastors wife called me, she is much more than 'my pastors wife' but she is a friend. Someone I can go to and trust and rely on. Well she asked me to join the ladies bible study at church. I immediately wanted to put up the barriers of why I can't do this. Sunday nights is our youth night and I wanted to be there for Randy. Well as I talked to her I realized this is something I needed to do. So I agreed.

I've honestly never been involved with a group like this since high school when I was in my small group. Not sure if it was a fear I had of letting my guard down or just not seeking out a group to join, but here I was, about to enter this bible study.

The book we are reading is called, Telling yourself the Truth by William Backus. Well as I started reading, I thought, I dont have any things I lie to myself about, I'm pretty 'normal' but I prayed God would use this book to open me up to change and allow Him to work through me. Well He sure is!

I often find myself allowing everything around me influence my mood and my behavior towards others and I need to stop that.
If you are looking for a good book to read, this study has both a regular book and then it has a workbook version. The same thing pretty much only room to responde and questions.

Anyway, my post started out by talking about the song Fail us Not, and now i'm talking about my bible study books. Both are very influential right now. I am praying God continues to use this to mold me into a woman after His own heart!

Oh my goodnesss.....

Apparently I only post once a month now, and without trying, I got a month in between and think, I want to blog about this day, and then never do all the time. Last night I tried but couldn't remember my password. I was so mad at myself for not remembering, then I was mad at google for their password assistance and not remembering the answer to my security question. AHH! But stay calm, I am here now and have much on my mind.

Yes, its 4:30 AM. I 'said' last night I would give Elliot a bottle when he woke insead of nursing but twice now I have nursed him. I am exhausted. I haven't slept a full night in um, I dont remember when, and he is not allowing me to leave him and do the things I want to do because of nursing. I wanted to go a year... and I did. I am ready to be done. How selfish am I sounding right about now? He isn't showing any sign of letting go anytime soon either.

The teens are having snow camp this weekend and I really want to go, and well, I can't leave him with anyone with him waking 2-3 times a night to nurse. No one else can feed him like that and he sure as heck wont take a bottle. Randy tried tonight and Ellit wasn't having it. So when he woke the second time, I tried and oh he was mad. I hate the thought that I"m giving in to nursing him, but for real, what else am I going to do. He is screaming and gets louder every minute I hold out.

I dont think people realize how bad it is here. People give me advice and say "oh Sara, you need to stop that" Thanks for that! I know! Maybe I'll wean him off during the day and then maybe just maybe he wont want to at night. Or he'll be so mad that I didn't nurse him and get up even more at night. So far its been twice tonight, once at 1 and then at 4.

I am not getting bitter, yet, but I'm frustrated. I am giving him the very best I can by nursing him, I get that, but its been a year of sharing my body with him, I am ready to be Sara for a little while without nursing or being pregnant. I *thought* I wanted another baby sooner than later but the way weaning is going I'm afraid he'll still want to nurse and I'll be 8 months pregnant.... which I dont want to do...

Sorry this turned into a major vent of my frustations... I need to try to sleep a little more before my daycare boy comes at 6:45... *yawn*