Apparently I only post once a month now, and without trying, I got a month in between and think, I want to blog about this day, and then never do all the time. Last night I tried but couldn't remember my password. I was so mad at myself for not remembering, then I was mad at google for their password assistance and not remembering the answer to my security question. AHH! But stay calm, I am here now and have much on my mind.
Yes, its 4:30 AM. I 'said' last night I would give Elliot a bottle when he woke insead of nursing but twice now I have nursed him. I am exhausted. I haven't slept a full night in um, I dont remember when, and he is not allowing me to leave him and do the things I want to do because of nursing. I wanted to go a year... and I did. I am ready to be done. How selfish am I sounding right about now? He isn't showing any sign of letting go anytime soon either.
The teens are having snow camp this weekend and I really want to go, and well, I can't leave him with anyone with him waking 2-3 times a night to nurse. No one else can feed him like that and he sure as heck wont take a bottle. Randy tried tonight and Ellit wasn't having it. So when he woke the second time, I tried and oh he was mad. I hate the thought that I"m giving in to nursing him, but for real, what else am I going to do. He is screaming and gets louder every minute I hold out.
I dont think people realize how bad it is here. People give me advice and say "oh Sara, you need to stop that" Thanks for that! I know! Maybe I'll wean him off during the day and then maybe just maybe he wont want to at night. Or he'll be so mad that I didn't nurse him and get up even more at night. So far its been twice tonight, once at 1 and then at 4.
I am not getting bitter, yet, but I'm frustrated. I am giving him the very best I can by nursing him, I get that, but its been a year of sharing my body with him, I am ready to be Sara for a little while without nursing or being pregnant. I *thought* I wanted another baby sooner than later but the way weaning is going I'm afraid he'll still want to nurse and I'll be 8 months pregnant.... which I dont want to do...
Sorry this turned into a major vent of my frustations... I need to try to sleep a little more before my daycare boy comes at 6:45... *yawn*
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